Loved, Lonely, and Slightly Liberated

Thoughts about my single-ness as a 21 year old

I see bumble bees everywhere. I see foxes. I see deer staring patiently, waiting to cross the street. I lock them away, spiritually gnawing on their existence and begging that it was some sort of sign that he’s on his way. “He” would be my boyfriend that I’ve never had. I feel late to the party, but not in a way that begs pity. I guess all there is is a flickering of curiosity. What am I missing? It’s like showing up late to a party, and everyone is talking and laughing about something- the start of an inside joke, and you are trying to understand the story. There are plenty of memories to be made at this party, but you want to know THIS one. And then everyone has moved on with their night, and you are not any closer to understanding what was so fabulously funny.

Maybe I am becoming more and more emotionally unavailable, but I have started to care less about what happened at the party. Yes, I want a relationship. Yes, the jokes my father and brother make about my single-ness could be resolved. Yes, I could download a fucking dating app and make it a conscious effort. Yet what remains is this deep intuition in my gut that a great love is meant for me. If that takes ten years, I’ll wait. If it takes two weeks, I’ll wait. If it takes two days, I’ll wait. I’ll wait because I’d rather be late to a party than show up with someone and still not understand the story.

I often hear two sides. Some people have found liberation in being single, and others remain single but are starting to outwardly announce that they want a relationship. It’s a weird balance. Women were born to love and grow a family. Subsequently, Feminism has granted independence for women. It was now okay not to be in a relationship! You should be “happy” you are not. Now, single women are critiquing this advice aimed towards women (to focus on yourself), like it is a trap to stay single forever. Yes, there is only so much focusing on yourself you can do. I hate that statement, but it rings true as well.

To me, “focusing on yourself” does not mean giving up on love. I have not given up on love, I have given into love. I bought champagne coupe glasses from the thrift store for my future wedding. I do yoga (sometimes). I watch all the romance movies. I have my girlfriends over to make dinner and get way too drunk on wine. I talk about men. I refuse to talk about men. I go to the library with a lot of peppermint tea. I bake all that I can, especially for the people I love. I light candles and blow them out. I listen to music in my room, and I mouth the words, my voice hovering on the brink of a whisper scream. I learn. I let go. I learn more. I wear lacey things to bed. I break my guitar strings and change them. I reflect on men who have been in my bedroom. I miss them. I forgive them, but I do not want them back. I tap my fingers on the keys on my laptop, struggling to find the words. I try to balance my world and the desire to know someone else’s.

You do not have to forget about love for it to find you. You do not need to hide your face in shame when you say you want a partner. If anything, it is the balance that helps me not lose my mind. If you focus too much on one thing, you close yourself off to things you are not seeing. I think that is why people who are in distress about not finding a partner are often hit with “focus on yourself.” Not because it is bad to want a partner but because there is still work that needs to be done in your world. That is also not to say you need to work on yourself before you get a partner. Shitty people end up in relationships all the time. It is to shift your eye-line away from this thing that you undoubtedly will receive and see yourself.

Okay… I think those are my thoughts. I have not had a boyfriend, no, but I have perfected a chocolate chip cookie recipe, and I move in love with my friends, family, and dogs while I wait.